By Elissa Lou
Warm Memories
My mom’s right hand held mine as we crossed the narrow street to get into our car. In her other, she held my sister’s hand. As we walked I stared at my gel sandals that had small glimmers from the tiny sparkles in them. When we got into the car and my mother turned on the radio. It began playing “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie. We drove off and I looked out the window, staring at the clumps of tin as roofs and the tricycle lights that passed by. Our car stopped and my mom got out and walked toward the pandesal shop. She bought two bags and as soon as they arrived inside the car, the entire atmosphere smelled like bread. The temptation seeped into my nose and I asked my mom for a roll.
This is one of the earliest memories I can remember. I guess not much has changed because I still enjoy the nostalgic scent and taste of pandesal.
The Move
I moved to the U.S. when I was around 4. I don’t remember much about the move or much about my life before that. I only get snippets, and even then I can’t distinguish whether it was an old memory, or a dream. We were stuck with the immigration process for a while and it was really difficult because we couldn’t visit home. I especially remember my mom’s sadness about it when my two great grandmas passed away.
Even though I was thousands of miles away, the Philippines still found its way toward me. My mom cooked so many filipino dishes every week. Most of them were recipes she got from her own mom, who unfortunately had passed away before I was born. Even to this day I get jealous of my oldest sister because she had been a functioning human being when my Lola was alive. I wish I could’ve met her and albeit she’s gone she lives through the memories of my family. We even named our restaurant in Texas after her. Luvie’s (Loo-vies not Love-ies) is still up and running today.
I also used to watch all the teleseryes (similar to telenovelas) with my whole family. Only my mom watches them now because they’re not really my go-to genre anymore. I remember feeling like every teleserye ended with an emotional scene with someone hanging off the side of a cliff. The shows are very predictable and dramatic, but I don’t think they would be teleseryes if they weren’t.
One of my biggest regrets is not being able to speak Tagalog anymore. When I was younger I was completely fluent, but when we moved to America, I had to learn english and I forgot. I can still understand the language because of the teleseryes and family conversations, but I wish I could still speak it.
Going Home
It had been eleven years since I had been back to the Philippines. My mom was already making plans with everyone because we hadn’t seen so many people in a really long time. When we were there my sisters and I felt like we were celebrities because of all the appointments we had. We were meeting multiple people each day, many of which I was too young to remember.
The only time we really got to relax was during our trip to Punta Fuego and Subic Bay. The view of the ocean from the infinity pool at Punta Fuego was beautiful. The sun had just begun to set, so the light reflected off the water perfectly. The water in the pool was warm and surrounding the water were giant cliffs. On top of the cliffs there was a variety of greenery. Subic Bay was a chance to experience wildlife. At the resort there were monkeys that would hang around the trees and stray cats that would roam around while we ate breakfast outside. Next to the resort was an aquatic center where my sister and I got to swim with dolphins. They’re wondrous and gentle creatures. I was able to buy a dolphin stuffed animal as a memento, and even named it Enzo, after the dolphin I swam with.
We celebrated my sister and Lolo's birthday too. My Lolo is a traditional man, but he is also very caring. I can tell how much my family means to him. He was so excited that we were finally home and he even invited us to watch a meeting at City Hall because he is a counselor there. The other counselors were very kind in greeting us and were very eager to meet us. We took a group photo and afterwards they asked me to say something to them. I was very confused why, but then realized it was because they were testing and poking fun at their English abilities. Later they invited us to have lunch with them at a Matthew’s Grill. When we arrived we were led to a private section and the food had already been prepared. I think it’s a tradition for the counselors at city hall to eat there once a week.
Everything felt very boujee, but the parts in between those moments broke my heart. While driving around I witnessed the poverty. The houses barely looked like houses. Many of them were consecutive rows of gates and doors. Throughout the streets I saw plenty of stray dogs. On one particular trip my sisters and I counted almost a hundred. Outside of City Hall there were vendors selling different items and food as well as people asking for money. I wish I could help all of them, but the system in the Philippines has been the same for decades and it’s hard to change.
We were there for almost a month and after what felt like forever, it was time to leave. A piece of wisdom I took with me was to be grateful for everything I have. Before the trip I took a lot of things for granted, especially things I didn’t even think about: a home, clothes, and food. After reflecting came the goodbye. Tears were shed by other family members, but I knew in time, we’d be back again.
Pandesal - Filipino bread rolls
Teleserye - TV show similar to a telenovela
Lola - Grandma
Lolo - Grandpa
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